Cancer and Confusion

I have been trying to get a handle on how I feel about everything and it is not easy. When we first were diagnosed, it was simple to grasp what we were feeling - shock, sadness, numb, overwhelmed. But one can't stay at that level of emotion and so as time passes a certain normality settles into our lives. With that new normal comes a sense of confusion. Yes, I am still in shock, but I am gradually getting used to the idea that I have a dreadful disease. Yes, I am overwhelmed, but I still must do what I can to keep things going. Bills need to be paid, Christmas gifts need to be wrapped (though I have declared this year a "no bow" Christmas - paper only), and decisions need to be made. Thankfully everyone is home now to help with all the chores - I have done very little in that department. Yes, I am still sad, but I cannot continually cry or yearn for what life was just a month ago. As I heard in church yesterday, I must find joy within my sorrow. Joy is there! I believe this is a huge gift from God that in the midst of the chaos that is now my life, I can still feel and take incredible joy in the things that have always brought me joy.
Another thing that is real confusing about this disease is the chemo. Wow! I have been trying to find the words to describe how it makes me feel physically. I remember when my mom was getting chemo she hated the way it felt when the medicine went into her body. I don't mind that so much but it seems to me, by the end of the day, I can smell the chemo seeping out of my pores to the point where I can hardly stand it. Russ assures me I don't smell like poison but I don't know.... Since I was in grade school I have had the onus of bumpy, scaly skin on the back of my arms. Since my first chemo treatment - Gone. Smooth as silk. What's up with that? I have lost the weight that I have wanted to lose for the last couple of years but instead of being happy about that I'm trying to bulk up not wanting to become too gaunt and skinny. And of course the nausea always seems to be lurking around the corner, jumping out to surprise me when I least expect it or when I'm not ready for it. Thankfully, the anti-nausea pills work wonders. But is the chemo working? I really have no way of knowing until a pet scan is done again in a few weeks. So in the meantime, I am praying that the chemo is doing its job and that the cancer cells are being killed off, and that I am on the way to healing.
I remember a woman telling me several years ago after her husband had been diagnosed with cancer that it was a series of hurry up and wait, hurry up and wait. That is so true. I must get all the tests and treatments, but then must wait patiently to see if they are effective. Waiting. It is so hard to do but it is what is asked of us. When I woke up yesterday morning one of my favorite praise songs popped into my mind.
"Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord. Our God, you reign forever. Our Hope, our Strong Deliverer. You are the Everlasting God, the Everlasting God, you do not faint, you won't grow weary. You're the defender of the weak. You comfort those in need. You lift us upon on wings of eagles."
When I rest in this knowledge, life is a lot less confusing.